On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I forget how to act sober
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
