Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
