Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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