No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize