we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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