I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
