We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
