Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
