Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
