i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
