I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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