SEEEEXXX PLEASE
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
