Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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