dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
