508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
