just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i've created a new STD.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
