if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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