1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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