My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
