She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
