dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
