How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
