If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i dont even know how to be here
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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