go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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