She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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