The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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