My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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