if i can run in heels then i can drive
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
