Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm passing your future prison.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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