I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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