I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
