1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
