Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
