My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
