i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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