I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
