Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
These tits shall not be calmed
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
