I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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