Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
