They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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