My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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