I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
