sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize