I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize