I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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