Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize