I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
