Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
