Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
