ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
