I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
