i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
