"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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