I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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