Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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