so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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