Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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