Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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