I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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